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Let’s see….he always picks me up on time, always opens doors,
is always immaculately groomed and dressed, not the least bit
interested in sports, and knows all the words to every musical
ever written. It’s almost too good to be true! 001
Not being particularly domestic in temperament, Mildred begins to contemplate the more recreational possibilities this appliance has to offer. 007
Oh, look at the time!
It’s about freakin’ time to get over whatever the hell is bothering you and get on with your life! 021
“You’ve got to pull yourself together, Mom.
It’s not as bad as all that. Lots of guys like to wear their sister’s underwear ‘n stuff.” 031
“Now you’re never to tell anyone where Mommie keeps her stash, ever again. Understood? That’s a good girl.” 049
“What’s the harm in showing a little hospitality?” you said. “It’s not like they’re going to take over the world or anything,” you said.
I so oughta kick your ass.
052
“I tried to stop my mother-in-law from goin’ over the side, I truly did. Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are that an 80 year old woman, who had been in a vegetative state for two years, could suddenly get up three flights of stairs in a wheelchair, climb over a four foot railing and then hurl herself from the top of a building.”
316A
“Where’s that part in this contract that states that once we reach the point of where we can’t stand the sight of one another, we can cut the crap and call it a day?” 319
Since it’s your birthday, we knew you’d want us to completely pull out all the stops.
That’s right! You’ve guessed it.
Let’s crank up the Yanni & Kenny G.
Yeah, dawg! This party’s gonna be so dope it’ll be off da hook yo!
062
Ever feel like that lengthy explanation you spent hours fabricating was just going to be a complete and utter waste of time because no matter what you said, you were screwed? 066
“Mommy, when Wilbur and Alex come over tomorrow, can we play with that super-cool turbo charged rocket toy with the master blaster booster power jets that you keep in your nightstand table?” 069
Darryl was known by all to weild a massive tool. Before he started working out, he had to use both hands just to pick it up. 401
“Now the trick here is to make a few groaning sounds, roll your eyes back into your head and pretend you’re enjoying yourself.”402
Jeremy learns about gun safety the hard way....
403
After many failed attempts, Ellen promises herself this time that if it’s too small, she will absolutely NOT feel obliged to keep it in order to spare its feelings and will immediately throw the damned thing back. 405
“Let me see if I’ve got this straight—
you don’t know what an orgasm is, you don’t know where your clitoris is, and you think a G spot is something you can get out with a little elbow grease and some bleach.”
“We’ve got some work to do.”
406
I used to be straight, but now I'm CURED
022
Lucky for Jim, Irma was a professionally trained nurse and knew just how imperative it was for her to stay put until the swelling went down. 408
And here’s Ken on his wedding day right before Gladys throws the car into reverse… 312
Never settle for anything less than the best. A good one should be generous in size, aromatic and firm to the touch. 218
“Floozy.”
“Witch.”
“Tramp.”
“Old witch.”
“Bitch.”
“Dead witch.”
407
Otto’s keen sense of smell tells him that this batch of Limburger is now ready for market.
Its heady bouquet transports him back to the days of his youth….
Mmmm, Helga. Yes. Most definitely Helga. 506
Congratulations.
You’re to be parents.
This temporary state of euphoria will soon pass, only to be abruptly replaced by the inevitable slap upside the head we call reality.
411
Edith figured that as long as everyone was smiling, no one would notice if she ever-so-carefully placed her meticulously manicured fingers around the neck of her unsuspecting husband and held them there until his lifeless body fell to the floor…205
“Hi Sam. I just desperately need a piece of meat for tonight. What do you recommend?”
“Well Mrs. G., I think I’ve got just what you need right here. Big, juicy and firm to the touch, not flabby. Nice and smooth. And feel that bone there. Slide this into your oven and I’ll guarantee it’ll be the best you’ve ever had.” 025
Glenda loved to watch his sleek muscular body glide effortlessly through the water.
In fact, she often wondered what life would be like if perhaps one day he were to go under there and just stay under there…063
